5 Ways to Transform Your Partner Into Your Perfect Mate.
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Attracting one’s soul mate is a preoccupation many people are struggling with. In the world of dating and researching for the perfect mate, it seams to get harder and harder to find that special person who will make us complete. The commerce of online dating has been flourishing in the past decade but we can wonder if the overall rate of successful matching has been improved.
There’s at least one way men and women are completely alike: Both believe that a good relationship must be spontaneous. If you have to work at it, that’s proof something is wrong.
For men, the ingrained belief is some variation of: “I fight dragons all day, when I come home I get to relax.” For women it’s commonly: “If I have to tell you (it’s my birthday, it’s our anniversary) it doesn’t count; the perfect lover would read my mind and fulfill my every need.”
Attracting one soul’s mate is a wish every human being holds deeply. Going through life without being able to experience true and fulfilling love is a fear most people have. How does one attract and keeps their soul mate? Is going from bars to bars at night a valuable way of meeting the ideal mate? Is spending numerous hours on the internet going through endless profiles a sure way to meet the right person?
After helping countless couples rescue relationships that appear to be unsalvageable, family therapist Terrence Real has a different view: “You’ve got to duke it out with your partner and help them rise to the occasion.” For him, that is the most important of the new rules of relationships.
We need new rules because we desperately want a new kind of relationship. Our parents may have been content with a companionable marriage, but we want a mate who’s a lifelong lover as well as a companion.
People often feel like they are stuck in attracting persons that are not right for them. Rejection and disappointments are common problems people in desperate search of their soul mate are facing. When a person faces failed unions after failed unions, it is legitimate to ask why she is not attracting the ideal person, a person who would fulfill her basic needs of acknowledgement and love.
Unfortunately, neither men nor women have sophisticated enough skills to deliver on the twenty-first century relationship.
If we stick to doing what comes naturally, two out of four couples will divorce and one of the remaining two will stay married but miserable.
“We all fall in love with people who will heal us or at least with whom we think our nastiness will be avoided,” says Real.
Why are people experiencing repeated rejections and disappointments when looking for their soul mate? How can a person avoid going through all those negative experiences while looking for her soul mate?
“And we all wind up with someone exquisitely designed to stick the burning spear right into our eyeballs.” That’s because we all marry our unfinished business. “We all marry our mothers and fathers. We all become our mothers and fathers, in part because that’s the template of relationship we’ve internalized but also because we want to heal it.
There are two basic conditions to attract the ideal mate: knowing what you want and need and not settling for less. Satisfying those two conditions will ensure that a person will not go through so many disappointing relationships before attracting her soul mate.
We pick people who will throw us into the old drama but whose qualities allow for a different outcome.”
The trouble, says Real, who heads the Relational Life Institute in Cambridge, Massachusetts, is that we think we’ll be healed when we wrest from our partners what we deserved but didn’t get from our parents.
It is of primary importance when looking for a soul mate to know a person’s own needs and desires. It gets almost impossible to have a relationship work if the two people involved do not share basic common grounds. Often, by knowing herself well, a person is more capable of defining what she is looking for in her soul mate. A person has to feel complete and happy before starting the search for her perfect mate. Looking for a person that will make us happy, rich and fulfilled is just destined for failure.
A very simple and efficient way to determine what our soul mate’s essential qualities have to be is to write down a list. It is obvious that no one will fit all the items on the list and we should show a little flexibility for minor things that do not fit our ideal mate.
“The irony is that our very attempts to get this out of our partners, and our reactions when we don’t, fuel our misery.”
When their new expectations aren’t met, today’s couples don’t just sit quietly with their disappointment, they often resort to hurting each other, hurling themselves down a path of losing strategies:
- Being right
- Controlling their partner
- Unbridled self-expression
- Retaliation
- Withdrawing
On the other hand, compromising on essential factors such as faithfulness or life goals is due for failure. It would be like walking out of the shoe store with a pair of shoes you feel in love with but that the store only had in a pair two sizes too small. After walking a short period of time in them, the pain would be too overwhelming.
Relationships can heal us, says Real. Not by having our partners give us what we never got but by using the relationship as a crucible in which we grow and handle our inner brat on our own.
Hot couples, says Real, need cool skills. First they need to know how to handle themselves when their buttons get pushed. “There are lots of circuit-breakers for when you lose it,” says Real.
The other essential ingredient a person needs when attracting her soul mate is self-love. It is only by truly loving herself, that a person will be able to radiate confidence and love that will attract her soul mate. Then, the only step left is to go out there and attract her perfect mate… [read more]
You can breathe deeply and take time out. “But you need to understand that ‘losing it’ is a choice.”
In his new book, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Make Love Work, Real identifies five winning strategies.
- Go after what you want. But before you open your mouth, ask yourself: “What do I really want right now?”
- Complain constructively. Don’t complain to your partner about what he isn’t giving you. You must shift the negative into a positive. “Every complaint is really a wish,” says Real. “Better to cut out the complaint and get right to the wish. ‘I’m mad at the way you talk to me’ translates into ‘I would really like it if you could talk to me this way.’”
- Listen and respond generously. “Neither men nor women feel listened to,” Real finds. Men commonly feel unappreciated. “They want someone to listen, pat them on the head for how hard they’re working, and tell them what a good job they’re doing.”
- Empower one another. Anger, says Real, regularly stems from helplessness. “If you’re walking around angry, it’s often because you’re trying to control some thing and it’s not cooperating. The way to be less angry is to let go of your control.”
- Cherish what you have. “Keep your eyes on the prize,” says Real. “Remember the person you’re speaking to is someone you love. If you can’t remember that because you are too angry and hurt at the moment, at least remember you have to live with them.”
When arriving at a venue, before going in to actually mingle, let your eyes sweep the room. Find a few potential candidates, and take a few minutes observing their action. You are not looking for anything specific, just go with your natural instincts and get a feel for them. later if you get to meet them close up, try and detect if there is a difference.
What does this do. Firstly, you will only be attracted to people whose body language resonates with yours, when you are sweeping the room. Secondly, if the whole feeling changes when you are close up, the chances are they did that to deceive you.
Get Over Your Social Anxiety – the more relaxed you are, the more attractive you become to a prospective partner. We sense social stress, it sends out a different frequency. Two people with the same stress signals however, don’t attract each other, they actually repel. A relaxed mood, seems to attract though.
Don’t be desperate. Similar to above, Animals smell fear, people smell desperation. If you’re desperate two things can happen: A. Nothing B. You will be taken advantage of, without anything in return… [read more]
Source: www.psychologytoday.com
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